I looked at my pathetic blog postings for the past year and realized that a recap of 2012 would probably be equally pathetic, so instead I thought it would be more fun to channel my inner Mayan and give dire predictions for what will happen in the coming year. So, without further ado...
January: In defiance of my desire to have at least one winter where I can take my children sledding, there will again be no snow this month. In fact, the temperatures will continue to gradually warm up so that on my 40th birthday I can actually take my wife to dinner, at night, comfortably wearing shorts and sandals.
February: A rainy Valentine's Day will be followed by a sudden cold snap, causing all of northern Virginia to be covered in a sheet of ice, cancelling school and forcing me to spend an entire weekday at home with my kids. This will be the perfect opportunity to introduce them to the cinematic genius of the Indiana Jones trilogy. And no, that horrifying last installment will not be included in our screenings. Ever.
March: Mother Nature will delight the entire greater Washington DC metropolitan area with her delicious sense of irony by dumping over 18 inches of snow the night before the Rock n' Roll Marathon. We will run it anyway, because the day after the snow, it will be 55 degrees.
April: The night before my team and I participate in the Tough Mudder, it will be inexplicably dry and warm. In fact, the two weeks preceding the event will be unseasonably warm, leading all to expect amazing conditions for the Mudder. Nobody will see the sleet storm coming the day of the event. Needless to say, fun will be had by all.
May: Quiet month. I will probably yell at my seminary class, just to break the monotony.
June: Starts off big as I complete my first ultramarathon, The North Face Endurance Challenge 50K, on June 1. Only slightly less impressive will be the subsequent ultramarathon of consumption at Five Guys that same day. The rest of the month sucks in comparison.
July: A long family vacation tests the limits of my sanity while simultaneously strengthening the undying love that I have for my wife. My kids, on the other hand, survive the trip only by the grace of their mother.
August: Can school start early this year? Please?
September: With all five kids in school, my dear wife will complain of boredom for one solid week until she realizes that this means she has the entire day to herself. One day I will come home to find every other room has been painted a new color.
October: I will get food poisoning from taking my wife someplace nice for her birthday and spend three days only moving between the bed and the bathroom. Next year I'll remember to let her choose the restaurant.
November: In a move that should not surprise me but somehow will come as a complete shock, my office will decide that I absolutely must spend the entire month in Southeast Asia. Because the only thing that can possibly beat the fact that I missed two of my kids' birthdays in 2012 because I was overseas would be for me to miss both my anniversary and Thanksgiving this year.
December: After having spent all of November sweating my brains out, I will return to find northern Virginia under two feet of snow. I could complain, but it means that I'll finally get to take my kids sledding, and have a fantastic excuse to cuddle with my wife.
I can't wait for 2014!
Do the Scharmans! What happens to us this year? I am thoroughly entertained by your predictions, and a little weirded out because it all sounds pretty plausible...all except the tough mudder - there will be an actual tornado watch that day.
ReplyDeleteIs Mali a wall painter too?
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a tough year ahead :)